remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
