i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
