My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
