That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
