Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
