Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
