Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Threesome in a minivan. New low
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
