my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
