Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
