This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
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