I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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