Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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