I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I looked at my own cervix.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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