First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
