Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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