Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
