Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I cannot find my penis.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
