One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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