Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
