Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
