too bad you live with your parents still
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
