My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
