Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
