i just sent this text using only my big toe
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
