I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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