I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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