I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
