4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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