God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
