She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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