Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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