I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
