if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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