last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
