when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
