i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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