i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
