Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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