I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I will be naked everywhere
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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