I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
