whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
