So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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