i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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