Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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