my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
