It was confusing and full of hummus
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
