I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
