I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
my shit smells like andre
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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