MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
