Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
