I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
