First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
