You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
