she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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