woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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