The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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