I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
