Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just saw a hot homeless man
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
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