So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
