My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
