Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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